Smallville, My Way
by Hannalore Dayne
Summary: If I ended up in Smallville, what would be different? Do you really want to know? What's my name??? (Note: Rating may change in the future)
1. Lex's Hair

Disclaimer: I own only myself. And sometimes I'm not even sure about that… anyway. Many sequels may be in order. ;P Or not. Whatever. Strange moods create strange fics.

Note: You know, if I really did end up in Smallville, the resulting transcript would SO not be appropriate. I mean, really. Clark and Lex? Heaven! Oh, and John Schneider might mysteriously end up dead…

Some Girl was walking through cornfields.

"This is fun," she said to the kid tied to the cross. "I'm walking through cornfields."

"Hey, look," he said, gesturing with a weak finger. "There's some rocks hurtling this way."

"Oh, cool," Some Girl said. "Where's Lex?"

"Who's Lex?" the kid asked.

"IF YOU DON'T KNOW I'M NOT GOING TO TELL YOU," she yelled. The kid said nothing.

Suddenly Lex showed up. He was like eight years old and had red hair.

"No, no!" Some Girl protested. "The look, the shape! It's all wrong!" She gave a dramatic sigh and brought out her scissors. "It will all have to go." She approached the terrified boy.

"Aaahh!!" he yelled. "Get away! I like my hair!" Some Girl chased him through the cornfields.

"Um, guys?" the kid on the cross said. "The rocks are still coming." Nobody heard him.

A few minutes later disaster had struck. Lex lay on the ground, trembling violently, tufts of pretty red hair sticking out from his nearly bare skull.

"Lex? Lex!" his father yelled, and came running to make sure the heir to his throne was not hurt. When he got there he gasped.

Some Girl held her scissors in a triumphant pose, surveying the incidental destruction that the meteors had wrought. Somehow she and Lex had escaped the blast, though Lex looked as if he hadn't.

"What did you do to him, you evil girl?" Lionel gasped.

Some Girl shook her head. "You know, there's no use in pointing fingers. You just have to move on, Mr. Luthor. Let it go already."

"I'll kill you!" he yelled and started towards her.

"I swear I'm licensed to trim!" she screamed back, brandishing her scissors and her barber's license.

Lionel stopped trying to kill her.

"Well," he said.

"Indeed," said Some Girl.

They glared at each other.

"Someday I will bring about your downfall, you evil girl," he told her viciously.

"No, you won't," she contradicted. "I will bring about yours!" Her voice started echoing tremendously and a light shone down from the sky directly on her. She began to speak in creepy, hushed tones.

"_When the time is right_

And your kid's twenty-one

I'll come after you

With a gun

There will be no escape

And no one will care

That your beautiful son

Has lost his hair

It's better this way

Can't you see?

If I kill you

Everyone will love me!"

She grinned in satisfaction and the heavenly light faded away. Lionel looked like someone had blown out his birthday cake candles without asking him.

"Well, um, I'll take all your money and stuff," he said lamely. "I'll take it all! So there. Come on, Lex." He grabbed his bald son's hand and dragged him off to the Luthor limo, even though the poor kid was whining about his hair.

The kid on the cross woke up from his coma and said, "You know, if you had time to cut Lex's hair off and ruin his dad's life, why couldn't you have saved Lana's parents instead? It's much more practical. She wouldn't have that stupid orphan complex when she grows up."

Some Girl glared at him. "Nobody asked you. You're supposed to be in a coma, anyway."

"Very true," he admitted, and promptly fell back into his coma.

Some Girl scanned the flatted corn and the half-dead kid. She shook her head. "Look what you did, Clark," she said, and walked away, to resurface twelve years later when cool stuff was happening.


	2. Late For School

Happy music and lots of smiling accompanied the Kents' mornings, but today, they would get a little something more…

Clark was clicking through websites on kids like him that actually had publicity agents.

"What do these kids have that I haven't got?" he complained. "They aren't even from other planets."

"Shhh!" Martha scolded. "You're not supposed to know about that yet. Your father is really looking forward to telling you! And remember to act surprised," she added as Clark got up to drink milk out of the bottle.

Jonathon came down the stairs just in time to see Clark drinking from the bottle. "Good boy!" he said, clapping his son on the back. He didn't notice that Clark choked as he did so. "Taught him well, I did," he told Martha proudly.

Martha rolled her eyes. "Jonathon, you are really stupid, you know that? Look at your son! Look at him!" Clark was blue in the face and his eyes were watering as he pointed frantically at his throat.

"Oh, sorry there, son!" Jonathon said. "Let me help you out." He clapped him on the back again and the milk was dislodged. "There we go."

Clark gave him a withering look as he coughed. "Thanks," he said sarcastically.

"You know," Some Girl contributed, "I think that you may have ended up with the most moronic man in this inbred town!"

Everyone looked at her.

"How did you get in?" Martha asked, concerned with home safety.

"Who are you?" asked Clark, alarmed that he didn't recognize her.

"Hi," said Jonathon, extending his hand and smiling at the visitor. "I'm Jonathon, and this is Martha, and this is Clark, and he's adopted but we love him anyway and I work on a farm and so does Clark and so does Martha. What's your name?"

Martha and Clark turned to stare at him.

"Dad!" Clark protested at the same time that Martha said, "Jonathon!"

"Oh," said Some Girl, not noticing how upset two of her hosts were. "I'm actually not sure what my name is. How about Yixiara? No, too simple. What about Jane? No. Hmm… You know what? You can all call me Rachel," she said, smiling broadly.

Jonathon grinned dumbly and shook her hand. "Nice to meet you, Rachel."

Martha smacked him on the arm. "Jonathon, she could be an axe murderer! We don't know her!"

"Oh, don't worry," Rachel said. "I've been living in this town for about twelve years now. Well," she reconsidered, "not really _living,_ more like _sleeping_ until Clark grew up, but you know, it doesn't really matter. I've still been here."

"You've been sleeping for twelve years?" Clark asked, astonished.

Rachel shrugged. "More or less, yeah."

"Wow," said Martha. "You must feel well-rested."

Rachel nodded. "Oh, hey, Clark? You just missed your bus."

Clark looked out the window. "You're right. Want a ride?"

"Sure," Rachel said. She went and stood next to Clark, who lifted her in his arms.

"Bye, Mom," Clark said. "Bye, Dad."

"Bye, son!" Jonathon called as his son raced off. "Bye, Rachel!"

Martha smacked him on the arm.


	3. Name, Please

At school, Clark put Rachel down and approached Chloe and Pete.

"Clark how did you get here through a black hole it must be a conspiracy with green rocks I will go write an article about it!!" Chloe yelled.

"Um, okay, except don't," Clark said. "I want you to meet my new friend."

Rachel stepped forward. "Hi, I'm Hannah," she said, shaking Chloe's hand.

"I thought you said that your name was Rachel," Clark said, confused.

"I did. Now it's Hannah," Hannah said. "Keep up."

Clark scratched his head but said nothing.

"Hey," Pete said, stepping forward. "I'm Pete."

"Hi Pete! I'm Jessica," Hannah said.

Chloe was startled. "You just told me your name was Hannah," she protested.

Jessica shook her head. "What are you people, slow or something? First I was Rachel, then I was Hannah, now I'm Jessica! This is not rocket science, guys!"

"Um, okay, whatever," they muttered. Clark suddenly caught sight of Lana.

"No, Clark! Look away! Look _away_ from the light! CLAAARKK!" His friends yelled. As if in a trance, Clark tottered over to Lana, tripped and fell on his face.

"Wow, does he do that every day?" Jessica asked, delighted. "I've got to meet this girl!"

She walked over as Lana bent over Clark, asking if he was okay.

"I'm fine," he said, sounding pneumonic. Lana suddenly noticed Jessica.

"Hi!" she said. "I'm Lana. I haven't seen you before, what's your name?"

"I'm Megan," Jessica said, smiling. "I've heard so much about you. I hear every nearly-six-foot-three farm-boy hottie in the grade has a crush on you."

Clark turned a sickly shade of white.

"Um, whatever," Lana said. "I have a boyfriend. He's so cool. He's short and he beats people up for me. I think he was a premature baby, and that's why his head is like that," she added. "And his parents thought he was a girl at first, so his name is Whitney."

"Hey," Whitney said. "Who's this?" He had a rude habit of talking only to Lana and not looking at anyone else.

"Oh," Megan said. "I'm Grace. It's nice to meet you."

Clark started to pass out on the floor.

"Hey, weren't you Megan a second ago?" Lana asked.

"Yes," Grace said.

"Oh," said Lana. "Okay."

Clark made dying sounds.

"Hey, I think something's wrong with Clark," Whitney said. "Give me your necklace."

"Why?" asked Lana, taking it off. Clark began to look better.

"Because I need to lose it before the game on Saturday," he said like it was obvious.

"Oh, right, I forgot," Lana said. "Here you go. Put it in this cool lead case. They had them in a two-for-one sale at the alien rock convention in Metropolis."

Whitney stuck the necklace in the lead case and Clark looked way healthier. He got up.

"Well, I'll see you guys in class," he said, picking up his books and running away before Grace changed her name again.

Footnote: Umm… footnotes are cool. Go Crows.


End file.
